This is me 2 months ago. I have been working my ass off to get this far. I made up my mind and decided that I would no longer be overweight. How do you go from one size to another and not even notice? I let a year of stress control me and then I decided to take that control back. I didn't have an ounce of energy,I was always tired, it was horrible. Working out and leading a healthy lifestyle is all a mind game. Your mind will give out long before your body does. I am not doing this for anyone but me. Taking care of my body is the most unselfish thing that I can ever do for myself.You have to decide what is important to you and why.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Bound and Determined
This is me 2 months ago. I have been working my ass off to get this far. I made up my mind and decided that I would no longer be overweight. How do you go from one size to another and not even notice? I let a year of stress control me and then I decided to take that control back. I didn't have an ounce of energy,I was always tired, it was horrible. Working out and leading a healthy lifestyle is all a mind game. Your mind will give out long before your body does. I am not doing this for anyone but me. Taking care of my body is the most unselfish thing that I can ever do for myself.You have to decide what is important to you and why.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Kids will remember...
It's a shame that parents can not work together for their children. It doesn't matter if you hate me, or I hate you. When it comes to the children, all of those feelings are suppose to go out of the window. Someone has to be the adult in the "relationship". I never understood why some parents insist on putting their children in the middle of adult business. It is in my opinion that it confuses the child, and puts them in a place where they feel like they have to choose which parent they should like or love. Kids should be kids. They shouldn't be scared to talk about the other parent around the other, or want to call the other parent. It's insane. They will grow up hating you for not letting them enjoy their childhood. You're not suppose to argue and carry on in front of your kids, you're not suppose to send nasty messages to the other parent through your kids. What's the point? Who are you hurting? Who are you making look bad?
You can't buy your children! Children aren't for sale. You wanna be that Disney Land parent, buying toys, and bullshit that they will eventually show no interest in later!? What about the things that they need? Kids aren't going to grow into strong loving adults saying, I remember when the other parent bought me that awesome race track, or barbie doll. They are going to grow up thinking and remembering, I remember every Wednesday was story night, or Friday's were movie night, or Saturdays were game night. I remember laughing, and playing, and just sitting up late on the weekends talking about any and everything. I remember being asked " how was your day" and actually being listened too. Material things don't last. They loose their value, I see it all the time. My children want certain things for their birthday, or a holiday. If I have the money to get it I do. But a week later, sometimes two, it's broken, misplaced, or put in the toy box. But they love movie night, and game night. or one on one time, they look forward to those days. I don't buy my children! Nope never will. They understand the meaning of the word no! I have 3 children and regardless of what my schedule is, I still make one on one time. There isn't a set time. It's just quality time. EVERY SINGLE DAY (that they are with me)!!!!! Those are the things that children grow up remembering.
I guess that it is not up to me to understand the thought process of some of these "parents". All I can do is be the best that I can be. Nothing good can come out of negative behaviour.Kids are smarter than we know. They see more than we think. I don't have a lot of money. But what I do have are things that money can't buy, and to me... That's Priceless!
You can't buy your children! Children aren't for sale. You wanna be that Disney Land parent, buying toys, and bullshit that they will eventually show no interest in later!? What about the things that they need? Kids aren't going to grow into strong loving adults saying, I remember when the other parent bought me that awesome race track, or barbie doll. They are going to grow up thinking and remembering, I remember every Wednesday was story night, or Friday's were movie night, or Saturdays were game night. I remember laughing, and playing, and just sitting up late on the weekends talking about any and everything. I remember being asked " how was your day" and actually being listened too. Material things don't last. They loose their value, I see it all the time. My children want certain things for their birthday, or a holiday. If I have the money to get it I do. But a week later, sometimes two, it's broken, misplaced, or put in the toy box. But they love movie night, and game night. or one on one time, they look forward to those days. I don't buy my children! Nope never will. They understand the meaning of the word no! I have 3 children and regardless of what my schedule is, I still make one on one time. There isn't a set time. It's just quality time. EVERY SINGLE DAY (that they are with me)!!!!! Those are the things that children grow up remembering.
I guess that it is not up to me to understand the thought process of some of these "parents". All I can do is be the best that I can be. Nothing good can come out of negative behaviour.Kids are smarter than we know. They see more than we think. I don't have a lot of money. But what I do have are things that money can't buy, and to me... That's Priceless!
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
I got this!
This morning was a great morning. Both boys woke up without me having to wake them. Normally I go into each of their rooms and tickle them. My oldest son is normally up looking around before I even get a chance to walk in his room. I tell ya, that kid is always smiling even when he was a baby, he would always wake up with a smile on his face. I always wake up my youngest first, why because he sleeps so hard, so it normally takes a few minutes for him to wake up stretch, look around, stretch some more, and request for me to carry him and his towel into the bathroom because his legs are tired. I know the routine, I almost can tell the exact minute when he's gonna say it. Almost like clock work. I asked him what am I gonna do when he's sissy's age and wants me to carry him (she's 16), he said that I will have to carry him anyways because he's the baby. Yeah that should be very interesting.
The boys are staying off for 5 days this week. From Thursday until Tuesday afternoon because of spring break. I feel like puking. Sorry, I am not one of those momma's that like for my children to go away, or for them to grow up and move out. I actually appreciate the noise in the house, the little voices. The sound of my 16 year old and my 9 year old telling on each other, or my 7 year old being the typical little brother are things that don't annoy me. These are things that I don't take for granted. Isn't that what kids are suppose to do? My 7 year old adores my daughter. And my 9 year old corrects my youngest when he does something wrong. As much as they go at it, all 3 of them, they always stick up for one another.
Being a single mom isn't hard for me. I mean I did it even when I technically wasn't single. The title had changed, but the responsibilities were still the same. There are tons of women who are in relationships that may as well be single. They raise their kids on their own because the other parent is always working, there but not really involved, etc. Just an extra space filler in the house. That was me for many, many years. So when my status went from married to single, that simply meant, one less mouth to feed, or one less load of laundry, one less plate to fix. Because the responsibilty of being "mommy" never changed!
My mom made raising me and my sister look easy, very easy. She really didn't get frustrated, our house was ALWAYS spotless. Dinner was always cooked, she made our clothes, sometimes we went to the salvation army and got things, homework was done, I mean she never flinched!My dad was there, but my mom, well she was "it". It didn't seem to bother her, she never looked at me and my sister like we were in the way, or stopping her from living her life. Afterall, we were and stillare her life. My parents both are awesome, I mean they really are. I have never seen my mom cry, even til this day and I am 37 years old. She is just strong. If she ever cried, it was in the privacy of her own room. My parents have been married for almost 42 years, maybe one day I will have that, maybe not. But one thing I can say when it comes to raising my 3 kids, is "I GOT THIS!!"
The boys are staying off for 5 days this week. From Thursday until Tuesday afternoon because of spring break. I feel like puking. Sorry, I am not one of those momma's that like for my children to go away, or for them to grow up and move out. I actually appreciate the noise in the house, the little voices. The sound of my 16 year old and my 9 year old telling on each other, or my 7 year old being the typical little brother are things that don't annoy me. These are things that I don't take for granted. Isn't that what kids are suppose to do? My 7 year old adores my daughter. And my 9 year old corrects my youngest when he does something wrong. As much as they go at it, all 3 of them, they always stick up for one another.
Being a single mom isn't hard for me. I mean I did it even when I technically wasn't single. The title had changed, but the responsibilities were still the same. There are tons of women who are in relationships that may as well be single. They raise their kids on their own because the other parent is always working, there but not really involved, etc. Just an extra space filler in the house. That was me for many, many years. So when my status went from married to single, that simply meant, one less mouth to feed, or one less load of laundry, one less plate to fix. Because the responsibilty of being "mommy" never changed!
My mom made raising me and my sister look easy, very easy. She really didn't get frustrated, our house was ALWAYS spotless. Dinner was always cooked, she made our clothes, sometimes we went to the salvation army and got things, homework was done, I mean she never flinched!My dad was there, but my mom, well she was "it". It didn't seem to bother her, she never looked at me and my sister like we were in the way, or stopping her from living her life. Afterall, we were and stillare her life. My parents both are awesome, I mean they really are. I have never seen my mom cry, even til this day and I am 37 years old. She is just strong. If she ever cried, it was in the privacy of her own room. My parents have been married for almost 42 years, maybe one day I will have that, maybe not. But one thing I can say when it comes to raising my 3 kids, is "I GOT THIS!!"
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Pay it forward!
Today was my first official 5k this year. I practiced a few times, but this was the "actual" event. my goal was to be under 39 minutes, and not to stop. I had my songza app going, and my map my run app going. my glow thingies on, I was pumped and ready to go.Talk about a turn out. There was over 1k people there, and the race was sold out!! I saw "little people" there, there was even one chick on crutches. I saw senior citizens, and moms pushing strollers, and moms with there little kids with them who insisted on running themselves. It was AWESOME! People had on tutus, flashing mow hawks, you name it, it was there. This run benefited the Easter Seals. But at any rate, I busted my ass. I ran under 11 minutes, and finished the race in 35 minutes.
I remember towards the end, there was a young girl, I'm guessing her late teens or early 20's, she stopped and was walking. I had no idea who she was, but I remember saying to her,"come on girl stay with me" She looked at me and started to run, I told her that we had one more mile, and that we were almost there. She said ok. I said do you see the finish line from here? She said no, I told her well you will, just stay with me. Half a mile there, I told her I was about to start sprinting and she needed to stay by my side. And guess what she did!!! We finished together, and I gave her a high 5, and I walked off. I will probably never see her again, probably wouldn't know her if I saw her again. But I helped her just as much as she helped me.
My goal in life, is to pay it forward. I get off on helping people. I don't want anything in return. My return is something that money can't buy. It's not even bragging rights. Its just who I am as a person. I have so much to give. I have a talent with people. I can take a bad situation and make people smile. My purpose here on earth is to help people do things that they never thought that they could ever do.
The reason I created Diary of a Single mom, and now Fit mom (which was created by FPL,but given to me)is to help others. if I can help one person, I have done my job! i feel accomplished. I have paid it forward. I'm no saint, hell I am far from it! Actually I don't want to be a saint, way to much responsibility. I'm just a single mom of 3 kids, trying to help others, who could use a push in their lives.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Where's that parenting book
Have you ever met that person who swore up and down that they knew the ins and outs of parenting? I mean really. You have raised one kid and all of a sudden you know everything, you have your PhD in parenthood. I think if some of the "uptighties" saw my way of parenting they would probably loose their minds. I don't let my kids pig out, but they are allowed to eat candy, they are allowed to have soda, they have toy guns, and swords, I even let them stay up late on Fridays, and Saturdays. But then there is that one uptight person who would think OMG you're going to raise little gang members, their teeth are gonna fall out,blah blah blah!I think that it's funny sometimes, but then there are other times where it makes my blood boil! No one has ever really said anything to me about how I raise my children. I was told that my youngest who is ADHD could use a good ass whooping when he misbehaves. That it's not ADHD it's lack of beating his tail. Ummm no!
These parents are normally the ones who learned their "skills" from those parenting books. What to expect when your kid is 20 or some crap like that, or better yet, "Parenting for dummies" I bet if I looked online right now I would "so" find a parenting for dummies book.I have 3 children, and I would be the first to tell you, that what worked with child #1 didn't work for #2 and damn sure didn't work for #3. Moral of the story, burn those books mommas. Intuition is free!
I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!!
I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Every Step of the way!
I stay very busy. As a matter of fact I am never NOT busy. And that's ok. I'm not complaining. But I guess I started having these weird feeling because of my youngest son. I'm having one of his medications changed, well I actually did have it changed. His first day taking it will be tomorrow, so that I will have all weekend to see how it effects him. Reading the side affects is scary. But I also read the side affects of the now "old" medication and they are equally scary. He's ADHD, but he has some bipolar tendencies. He hasn't been officially diagnosed, but they are hoping that his new meds will help ease his mood changes. He's not like this at home. He's a "normal" kid at home, but at school or when he stays off it's totally different.
His last "episode" was just the other day. My son works off of an internal schedule. He has things made up in his mind, and they have to go in a certain order. Change is extremely hard for him!Well it's a huge deal for him to finish his homework before he comes home (not my rule, it's HIS rule). Well this particular day, he ran out of time. When the teacher was trying to tell him that there wasn't enough time, that set him off. It saddens me to see him that way. I just wish that whatever he feels on the inside, I could just snatch it from him. I mean really, I'm an adult. I have been through hell and back. I have a full plate, and it is running over. But for my children, I will add more on my plate, no questions asked. He's an awesome kid. I just want to take all of his overwhelming emotions away from him.
When you are a good parent, you can't help but feel helpless. You can't help but wonder if it's something that you have done, or should have done. When we are at home I always do things in a certain order for him, there aren't any surprises. I know that life doesn't work that way, surprises happen. But for him, he has to be eased into certain things. Maybe it will get a lot better when he is older, maybe it won't. But either way, I am going to be there every step of the way!
His last "episode" was just the other day. My son works off of an internal schedule. He has things made up in his mind, and they have to go in a certain order. Change is extremely hard for him!Well it's a huge deal for him to finish his homework before he comes home (not my rule, it's HIS rule). Well this particular day, he ran out of time. When the teacher was trying to tell him that there wasn't enough time, that set him off. It saddens me to see him that way. I just wish that whatever he feels on the inside, I could just snatch it from him. I mean really, I'm an adult. I have been through hell and back. I have a full plate, and it is running over. But for my children, I will add more on my plate, no questions asked. He's an awesome kid. I just want to take all of his overwhelming emotions away from him.
When you are a good parent, you can't help but feel helpless. You can't help but wonder if it's something that you have done, or should have done. When we are at home I always do things in a certain order for him, there aren't any surprises. I know that life doesn't work that way, surprises happen. But for him, he has to be eased into certain things. Maybe it will get a lot better when he is older, maybe it won't. But either way, I am going to be there every step of the way!
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Excuses only satisfies the ones who make them... MAYBE!
I have always been a physical person. I have always loved fitness. ALWAYS! When I just had one child I would wake up about 430 every morning and go to the ladies gym, which was about 15 miles away. My then husband watched my daughter. Trust me I am not a morning person, but I made up my mind what I needed to do for myself. I would workout 45 minutes to 1 hr, showered at the gym, and was at work by 7am. My then husband would take her to daycare. I eventually made training my job. I still worked full time in a factory from 7-330. I would go pick up my daughter from daycare, and I would be at the gym (teaching or training) a few days out of the week. She was able to go to the nursery while I trained others to do exactly what I was doing... getting fit.
I know that some of you are gasping thinking... how much time did she really spend with her, kid, OMG she was always in daycare or something. Well I taught 3 days a week. For an hour sometimes 2 depending on the clients that I had. I went home, and did my mommy thing!
Then came 2 more... children that is. I moved to another gym, a much bigger one, and I taught aerobics there, body pump, etc. I would do that 2-3 times a week, but the kids were always with me, yes at the nursery for 1 hour!!! They actually loved it because they would meet new kids!
At any rate I stopped teaching after 7-8 years. But fitness was a part of my life. So I bought a cheap treadmill off of craigslist or something,made a playlist of songs, I woke up early, walked on my treadmill for about 30-45 minutes. showered, got the kids up, fed, dressed, and off to school. ON TIME!!! When I got off of work, I would get my children cook dinner (loved the crockpot) help them with homework, played with them, and the rest of the day was mine, to do whatever I wanted to do!
Now that I am single again, and I have 3 kids, yeah I can come up with EVERY excuse known to man as to why I won't get off of my ass and workout. I'm sick, my kid is sick, I'm tired when I get off of work, I just don't have time, I have to help them with homework, I could go on, and on, and on. But for what? When I get off of work, I pick up my children, make sure all of their homework is complete, cook dinner, we all have to sit at the dinner table and talk about our highs and lows for the day. Highs meaning (what was good about your day) lows meaning (what went wrong with your day)
I spend tons of time with my children. But they all know that once everything is done, mommy is taking 30-45 minutes to herself to workout. Sometimes when I go for a run, they either hop on their bikes, or roller blades and they come with me. My daughter who is 6' tall and 16 years old, has adopted my habits. No she is not obsessed, but she wakes up EVERY SINGLE MORNING (no lie) before school and she works out. She is on the elliptical or something. What I have taught her just by doing is, living a healthy life style. NO she isn't concerned about her weight, she is concerned about being healthy. She is 16, in her 2nd year of college, and yes she can come up with excuses too, she has too much homework, or she's stressed, etc. But she doesn't! I don't make her workout, as a matter of fact I have never made her workout... she just wanted too.
Our kids learn from us. And if you are full of excuses as to why something can't be done, they will learn to make excuses about the same things. When I hear people make excuses for their lack of time, I just wanna shake them... if you want it bad enough you will find time. If you don't well you will find excuses!!!!
https://www.facebook.com/fitwomanforlife?ref=hl
I know that some of you are gasping thinking... how much time did she really spend with her, kid, OMG she was always in daycare or something. Well I taught 3 days a week. For an hour sometimes 2 depending on the clients that I had. I went home, and did my mommy thing!
Then came 2 more... children that is. I moved to another gym, a much bigger one, and I taught aerobics there, body pump, etc. I would do that 2-3 times a week, but the kids were always with me, yes at the nursery for 1 hour!!! They actually loved it because they would meet new kids!
At any rate I stopped teaching after 7-8 years. But fitness was a part of my life. So I bought a cheap treadmill off of craigslist or something,made a playlist of songs, I woke up early, walked on my treadmill for about 30-45 minutes. showered, got the kids up, fed, dressed, and off to school. ON TIME!!! When I got off of work, I would get my children cook dinner (loved the crockpot) help them with homework, played with them, and the rest of the day was mine, to do whatever I wanted to do!
Now that I am single again, and I have 3 kids, yeah I can come up with EVERY excuse known to man as to why I won't get off of my ass and workout. I'm sick, my kid is sick, I'm tired when I get off of work, I just don't have time, I have to help them with homework, I could go on, and on, and on. But for what? When I get off of work, I pick up my children, make sure all of their homework is complete, cook dinner, we all have to sit at the dinner table and talk about our highs and lows for the day. Highs meaning (what was good about your day) lows meaning (what went wrong with your day)
I spend tons of time with my children. But they all know that once everything is done, mommy is taking 30-45 minutes to herself to workout. Sometimes when I go for a run, they either hop on their bikes, or roller blades and they come with me. My daughter who is 6' tall and 16 years old, has adopted my habits. No she is not obsessed, but she wakes up EVERY SINGLE MORNING (no lie) before school and she works out. She is on the elliptical or something. What I have taught her just by doing is, living a healthy life style. NO she isn't concerned about her weight, she is concerned about being healthy. She is 16, in her 2nd year of college, and yes she can come up with excuses too, she has too much homework, or she's stressed, etc. But she doesn't! I don't make her workout, as a matter of fact I have never made her workout... she just wanted too.
Our kids learn from us. And if you are full of excuses as to why something can't be done, they will learn to make excuses about the same things. When I hear people make excuses for their lack of time, I just wanna shake them... if you want it bad enough you will find time. If you don't well you will find excuses!!!!
https://www.facebook.com/fitwomanforlife?ref=hl
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Sanity versus Insanity
I tend to keep a very full plate. Yeah I may moan about me time, but fact of the matter is, I wouldn't know what to do if I had a day to myself. I really don't require much. To have 30 minutes of silence is about all I need to regroup and go back into the real world. What is so crazy is that in that silence. I am cleaning. yes you read it correctly... cleaning. I tried the whole meditating thing, well lets just say that it doesn't work for me. If I am sitting still, and trying to clear my mind, all I do is think about what house work has to be done. Or the damn dogs come along and start licking on me, or barking, or sniffing on me so what's the point?
When my children are gone away for the weekend, all I do is think about them, and what they are doing and how they are doing, blah, blah blah. Just to have them come home and have to play referee, as my little one loves to instigate things with my 9 year old. To NOT have noise in my house is actually weird. Regardless of how much I tell the kids to go outside and play, or to sit in their rooms and be quiet, when they actually do those things I have to go peek in on them just to make sure they are ok. Crazy right? But once you get to know me you will understand why I am both sane, and insane! I will make this story as short as possible!
When I was 19 I had a little boy (Anthony) who decided that he would make a VERY early appearance into this wicked world. He showed up 17 weeks early... Yeah I was 23 weeks and 4 days pregnant to be exact. December 31, 1994 Anthony made his appearance. The doctor told me, that I could have a natural birth and have a stillborn, or I could have an emergency C-section and he would have a 10% chance of survival. Well I'm 19, I'm in the Navy, and I have a belief in God. So I wasn't going to have a stillborn, even if there was only a 10% chance of survival. Could you imagine what it would be like to have those "what if's" following you for the rest of your life? Yeah me either. That was going to be God's choice not mine. So emergency C-section is the route that I went.
Anthony came out weighing 1lbs 13 oz and 12 inches long. Such a little fellow, but he was all mine. And I loved him already. Considering I was home visiting and there wasn't a hospital in my town equipped to handle such premature babies, he had to be airlifted to a town about 2 hours away. Well like I said I was home for the holidays, and I was stationed in Charleston SC. Where I was, and where Anthony was was a 3 hour drive. And yes every day after I got off duty, I drove to Wilmington, NC. And on the weekends, I would stay in the Ronald McDonald house there. I was NOT leaving his side. After a few months Anthony was well enough to be moved to Charleston with me, but he had to stay in the hospital. He was getting better, I would see him everyday, the breathing tube came out, but ended right back in him in a matter of days... this went on for months. The doctors used to tell me that I should pull the plug, and I remember looking into one doctors eyes as a 19 year old girl, saying. You're not God, and neither am I. If it's meant for him to go, God will make that choice, not you, and not me!
Well one day, one of the doctors that was over Anthony that day (because he had a team) told me that I needed to take a break, that Anthony was fine. I didn't want too. I mean I was literally there every single day, NEVER missed a day. And I would stay until visiting hours were over, all while still serving my country in the USN. He told me it was ok, go home visit my family in North Carolina, they would call me if they needed too. So I went to visit my family back home. I didn't have a cell phone because in the 90's only rich people had cell phones. I wasn't one of them. July 4 1995, came around and my parents house phone rang, it was for me. They told me that Anthony wasn't doing so well, so I told my parents I had to go, and I drove 5 hours, back to Charleston SC, and headed straight to the hospital. When I walked into the NICU I saw Anthony laying there, his stomach was so full of air, it had looked like he put on 20lbs just like that. I leaned over him, and said " Anthony I love you, and if you need to go I will be ok" I remember humming a song to him, not sure what it was just a tune I made up when I very first gave birth to him, and for whatever reason, it would sooth him. I kissed him and I went home. I lived about 15-20 minutes from the hospital. About 10pm that night the hospital called me and said, Michelle, Anthony's heart has stopped and we have to do chest compressions I hung up and sped to the hospital. I remember the hospital had a parking garage. I ran inside the hospital , checked in, scrubbed and ran into the NICU. I saw the lights still on, so I remember releasing air, as to say Thank God he's ok, but as soon as I released that air, one of the nurses started turning off the machines. Then it hit me, Anthony was gone!!! I couldn't cry. I remember just standing there thinking, this isn't real, this can't be real. But it was more than real! I went to his side, asked them to remove everything from him, and I picked up my baby and went into the bereavement room. I just held him, and rocked him. He looked as though he was sleeping. I held him until his body became heavy, and fluids began to drain from his nose. I just didn't want to let him go. But I told him that I would be ok, and that it was ok to go right? I held him for about 4-5 hours that night, and I went back home, and slept on the floor. Wanting to cry but couldn't. I was still in shock. I called my parents and told them that Anthony was gone. I asked my mom could she start making arrangements for him, I was going to have him buried in North Carolina. My home. When they came to pick him up, I found the perfect outfit for him to sleep eternally in. I went to the funeral home and told them that I didn't want them to dress my baby, I would dress him myself. They asked me would I be ok. I told them of course I will be ok. This is my baby, and this is the last thing that I can do for him, besides love him forever. Well I dressed Anthony, and laid him in his "bed". I wrote him a letter, placed it in his bed, along with a picture of me and his father. No one knows what that letter says except for me, him, and God. I also but a toy in there that he liked so much that played such pretty music. Anthony passed 2 days before I turned 20. He was 6 months old.
Until this very day... 18 years later, I still have not looked at his pictures. I can't. I think about it, but I really can't. I can't even look at preemies period.
So if someone wants to know if I am sane or insane I will say both, because I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom, it's not always easy, and the 3 that I have will push every single button that I have, but they are mine! Good, bad, or indifferent. I guess it takes a little bit of insanity to make it through some of the rough times in your life. No matter what life gives you, you have to trust that it will be ok, this too shall pass. You will never forget things that you have gone through. But you will move beyond them, and handle them the best that you know how. Never loose hope, even when it feels like all of the hope is gone.
When my children are gone away for the weekend, all I do is think about them, and what they are doing and how they are doing, blah, blah blah. Just to have them come home and have to play referee, as my little one loves to instigate things with my 9 year old. To NOT have noise in my house is actually weird. Regardless of how much I tell the kids to go outside and play, or to sit in their rooms and be quiet, when they actually do those things I have to go peek in on them just to make sure they are ok. Crazy right? But once you get to know me you will understand why I am both sane, and insane! I will make this story as short as possible!
When I was 19 I had a little boy (Anthony) who decided that he would make a VERY early appearance into this wicked world. He showed up 17 weeks early... Yeah I was 23 weeks and 4 days pregnant to be exact. December 31, 1994 Anthony made his appearance. The doctor told me, that I could have a natural birth and have a stillborn, or I could have an emergency C-section and he would have a 10% chance of survival. Well I'm 19, I'm in the Navy, and I have a belief in God. So I wasn't going to have a stillborn, even if there was only a 10% chance of survival. Could you imagine what it would be like to have those "what if's" following you for the rest of your life? Yeah me either. That was going to be God's choice not mine. So emergency C-section is the route that I went.
Anthony came out weighing 1lbs 13 oz and 12 inches long. Such a little fellow, but he was all mine. And I loved him already. Considering I was home visiting and there wasn't a hospital in my town equipped to handle such premature babies, he had to be airlifted to a town about 2 hours away. Well like I said I was home for the holidays, and I was stationed in Charleston SC. Where I was, and where Anthony was was a 3 hour drive. And yes every day after I got off duty, I drove to Wilmington, NC. And on the weekends, I would stay in the Ronald McDonald house there. I was NOT leaving his side. After a few months Anthony was well enough to be moved to Charleston with me, but he had to stay in the hospital. He was getting better, I would see him everyday, the breathing tube came out, but ended right back in him in a matter of days... this went on for months. The doctors used to tell me that I should pull the plug, and I remember looking into one doctors eyes as a 19 year old girl, saying. You're not God, and neither am I. If it's meant for him to go, God will make that choice, not you, and not me!
Well one day, one of the doctors that was over Anthony that day (because he had a team) told me that I needed to take a break, that Anthony was fine. I didn't want too. I mean I was literally there every single day, NEVER missed a day. And I would stay until visiting hours were over, all while still serving my country in the USN. He told me it was ok, go home visit my family in North Carolina, they would call me if they needed too. So I went to visit my family back home. I didn't have a cell phone because in the 90's only rich people had cell phones. I wasn't one of them. July 4 1995, came around and my parents house phone rang, it was for me. They told me that Anthony wasn't doing so well, so I told my parents I had to go, and I drove 5 hours, back to Charleston SC, and headed straight to the hospital. When I walked into the NICU I saw Anthony laying there, his stomach was so full of air, it had looked like he put on 20lbs just like that. I leaned over him, and said " Anthony I love you, and if you need to go I will be ok" I remember humming a song to him, not sure what it was just a tune I made up when I very first gave birth to him, and for whatever reason, it would sooth him. I kissed him and I went home. I lived about 15-20 minutes from the hospital. About 10pm that night the hospital called me and said, Michelle, Anthony's heart has stopped and we have to do chest compressions I hung up and sped to the hospital. I remember the hospital had a parking garage. I ran inside the hospital , checked in, scrubbed and ran into the NICU. I saw the lights still on, so I remember releasing air, as to say Thank God he's ok, but as soon as I released that air, one of the nurses started turning off the machines. Then it hit me, Anthony was gone!!! I couldn't cry. I remember just standing there thinking, this isn't real, this can't be real. But it was more than real! I went to his side, asked them to remove everything from him, and I picked up my baby and went into the bereavement room. I just held him, and rocked him. He looked as though he was sleeping. I held him until his body became heavy, and fluids began to drain from his nose. I just didn't want to let him go. But I told him that I would be ok, and that it was ok to go right? I held him for about 4-5 hours that night, and I went back home, and slept on the floor. Wanting to cry but couldn't. I was still in shock. I called my parents and told them that Anthony was gone. I asked my mom could she start making arrangements for him, I was going to have him buried in North Carolina. My home. When they came to pick him up, I found the perfect outfit for him to sleep eternally in. I went to the funeral home and told them that I didn't want them to dress my baby, I would dress him myself. They asked me would I be ok. I told them of course I will be ok. This is my baby, and this is the last thing that I can do for him, besides love him forever. Well I dressed Anthony, and laid him in his "bed". I wrote him a letter, placed it in his bed, along with a picture of me and his father. No one knows what that letter says except for me, him, and God. I also but a toy in there that he liked so much that played such pretty music. Anthony passed 2 days before I turned 20. He was 6 months old.
Until this very day... 18 years later, I still have not looked at his pictures. I can't. I think about it, but I really can't. I can't even look at preemies period.
So if someone wants to know if I am sane or insane I will say both, because I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom, it's not always easy, and the 3 that I have will push every single button that I have, but they are mine! Good, bad, or indifferent. I guess it takes a little bit of insanity to make it through some of the rough times in your life. No matter what life gives you, you have to trust that it will be ok, this too shall pass. You will never forget things that you have gone through. But you will move beyond them, and handle them the best that you know how. Never loose hope, even when it feels like all of the hope is gone.
Friday, March 15, 2013
How did that happen?
I will be the first to tell you that where I am today is NOT where I saw myself being many years ago. It's funny how everything is happy go lucky one minute, and then the next it's like WTF?! That's pretty much what happened to me.
I have been married twice. My daughters dad, well he is the BEST baby daddy in the world. I always call him my baby daddy so it doesn't bother him at all. We get along great and honestly I couldn't have asked for a better father for my daughter. We were young when we got married. I met him when I was in the Navy, we were bestfriends, and it went from there. But I will be the first to admit. I was too young to be married. We divorced, it wasn't easy in the beginning, but I really enjoy raising my daughter with him (she's 16 right now). Talk about an awesome kid. She went from 8th grade straight into an early college here in my town. She is in her 2 year there. Way smarter then I was at her age. Hell I hated school, but I knew better then to bring home a bad grade. So I sucked it up and managed to graduate! She's 6' tall and here I am a dinky 5'8 having to look up to her. I love her. I'm proud of her. But she IS a typical teen. Between facebook, texting, skyping, and a messy room... it's a miracle that I'm not bald by now!
Then I have my 2 boys. They are 7, and 9. I absolutely adore them. I was married to their dad as well. We were together for 11 years. And lets just say... I am HAPPILY divorced!!!!!! There are a few things that took place in that relationship that I never saw coming, but since they did all I can really say is thank you Lord for allowing me to pick up the pieces and move one WITH my children!!!! It wasn't an easy road to travel. There were a ton of bumps along the way, sometimes there still is, but it's ok. I'm always going to be the bigger person. One thing I have learned from this last relationship, is that I am not the same person that I used to be, and thank God "it's" someone elses problem! They will eventually see! Those who cheat with you WILL cheat on you!!! That's fact. I mean you can't make that shit up!
My 9 year old son is pretty shy, it takes him awhile to warm up to new people, but until he does he hides behind me (literally). He is a lover of sports, so he has to stay active! I have to say he loves his momma!! My youngest which is 7 well he can go into a room of 100 people and walk out knowing at least 99 of them. Always the center of attention. Very out spoken. Doesn't really care too much about what people think of him. He is his own little person. Honestly he got that from me. He is also ADHD. He was diagnosed almost 2 years ago. I have joined all kinds of support groups, and talked to parents that experience the same thing as I am right now. It's all a learning process, for both me and him. I wouldn't change his personality to save my life.
As far as me, well throughout my BS divorce and the uncalled for drama that followed it, I gained 40 lbs. Yes 40. I am an emotional eater. For 7-8 years I was a personal trainer and an aerobics instructor. And I was just always fit, and proud of my body. But life has a way of slapping you dead in the face without warning, and it did to me. And I ate my worries away, just to become stressed out because I became what I called a fat ass! I mean really I went from a size 6 to a 14/15. That's not big to some people but you have to take into account where I used to be. I rememeber wanting to be a body builder (Like China). I ended up with a body like Angea Bassett in "what's love got to do with it" and I was smoking hot. Now I am a smoking hot mess LOL!
I started my weightloss journey on February 4, 2013, and as of this morning, I am down 15lbs. I have 15 more to go, but after that 15, I will shoot for 10 more to satisfy the 40lb gain that caught up with me inthe last year! Wish that I could sue Ben and Jerry's for that, but damn they are just so stinkin' good!!!!
Until this day, I am not sure what happened to those 11 years of my life. I know what happened to my first relationship, but not the 2nd. But in all honesty the tears have stopped, the pain has gone away, I simply just don't care because I have 3 happy kids, that tell me every single day that they love me. Even when I don't buy them a toy that they want, or a rockin' new pair of shoes that my daughter wants. I have learned to make a dollar out of 15cents. And I am happier now then I have been in years!!!
Single parenting can have it's challenging moments, especially when the "adults" involved are not on the same page when it comes to raising their child/children. But what is most important to me is raising my 3 children to be respectful young people. I refuse to sit around and feel sorry for myself, and fall into some deep depression. That's not gonna happen. why? Because my children need me, and I can't be helpful to them if I am some dumb ass funk! They will always see me smile, they know when I am serious, they know that homework is important, they are made to read everyday, AND they have to tell me what they have read about. I'm involved in school functions, and meetings, and a den leader for the scouts. I make it happen. And in all of that, I have still managed to work on my fitness journey, and be the best damn mom that I can possibly be, and still have a smile on my face. Hell I've earned it!
And if you ask how did I get here... I couldn't even begin to tell you! But I'm here!
I have been married twice. My daughters dad, well he is the BEST baby daddy in the world. I always call him my baby daddy so it doesn't bother him at all. We get along great and honestly I couldn't have asked for a better father for my daughter. We were young when we got married. I met him when I was in the Navy, we were bestfriends, and it went from there. But I will be the first to admit. I was too young to be married. We divorced, it wasn't easy in the beginning, but I really enjoy raising my daughter with him (she's 16 right now). Talk about an awesome kid. She went from 8th grade straight into an early college here in my town. She is in her 2 year there. Way smarter then I was at her age. Hell I hated school, but I knew better then to bring home a bad grade. So I sucked it up and managed to graduate! She's 6' tall and here I am a dinky 5'8 having to look up to her. I love her. I'm proud of her. But she IS a typical teen. Between facebook, texting, skyping, and a messy room... it's a miracle that I'm not bald by now!
Then I have my 2 boys. They are 7, and 9. I absolutely adore them. I was married to their dad as well. We were together for 11 years. And lets just say... I am HAPPILY divorced!!!!!! There are a few things that took place in that relationship that I never saw coming, but since they did all I can really say is thank you Lord for allowing me to pick up the pieces and move one WITH my children!!!! It wasn't an easy road to travel. There were a ton of bumps along the way, sometimes there still is, but it's ok. I'm always going to be the bigger person. One thing I have learned from this last relationship, is that I am not the same person that I used to be, and thank God "it's" someone elses problem! They will eventually see! Those who cheat with you WILL cheat on you!!! That's fact. I mean you can't make that shit up!
My 9 year old son is pretty shy, it takes him awhile to warm up to new people, but until he does he hides behind me (literally). He is a lover of sports, so he has to stay active! I have to say he loves his momma!! My youngest which is 7 well he can go into a room of 100 people and walk out knowing at least 99 of them. Always the center of attention. Very out spoken. Doesn't really care too much about what people think of him. He is his own little person. Honestly he got that from me. He is also ADHD. He was diagnosed almost 2 years ago. I have joined all kinds of support groups, and talked to parents that experience the same thing as I am right now. It's all a learning process, for both me and him. I wouldn't change his personality to save my life.
As far as me, well throughout my BS divorce and the uncalled for drama that followed it, I gained 40 lbs. Yes 40. I am an emotional eater. For 7-8 years I was a personal trainer and an aerobics instructor. And I was just always fit, and proud of my body. But life has a way of slapping you dead in the face without warning, and it did to me. And I ate my worries away, just to become stressed out because I became what I called a fat ass! I mean really I went from a size 6 to a 14/15. That's not big to some people but you have to take into account where I used to be. I rememeber wanting to be a body builder (Like China). I ended up with a body like Angea Bassett in "what's love got to do with it" and I was smoking hot. Now I am a smoking hot mess LOL!
I started my weightloss journey on February 4, 2013, and as of this morning, I am down 15lbs. I have 15 more to go, but after that 15, I will shoot for 10 more to satisfy the 40lb gain that caught up with me inthe last year! Wish that I could sue Ben and Jerry's for that, but damn they are just so stinkin' good!!!!
Until this day, I am not sure what happened to those 11 years of my life. I know what happened to my first relationship, but not the 2nd. But in all honesty the tears have stopped, the pain has gone away, I simply just don't care because I have 3 happy kids, that tell me every single day that they love me. Even when I don't buy them a toy that they want, or a rockin' new pair of shoes that my daughter wants. I have learned to make a dollar out of 15cents. And I am happier now then I have been in years!!!
Single parenting can have it's challenging moments, especially when the "adults" involved are not on the same page when it comes to raising their child/children. But what is most important to me is raising my 3 children to be respectful young people. I refuse to sit around and feel sorry for myself, and fall into some deep depression. That's not gonna happen. why? Because my children need me, and I can't be helpful to them if I am some dumb ass funk! They will always see me smile, they know when I am serious, they know that homework is important, they are made to read everyday, AND they have to tell me what they have read about. I'm involved in school functions, and meetings, and a den leader for the scouts. I make it happen. And in all of that, I have still managed to work on my fitness journey, and be the best damn mom that I can possibly be, and still have a smile on my face. Hell I've earned it!
And if you ask how did I get here... I couldn't even begin to tell you! But I'm here!
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